Wrapping Up 2016: Top 5 Worst Movies of the Year With a Special Guest Writer
The following article is the transcript of a previously recorded exchange between main writer Nate and special guest writer Rob, as they talk about their top five worst movies of 2016.
Nate: Hi and welcome to The Movie Paradise's Top Five Worst Movies of 2016. I'm the main writer here, Nate, and I'm here with special guest writer, Rob.
Rob: We're talking about the sh*tbombs today!
Nate: That's right. These are the fart clouds of the year. These are the ones that clog your toilet, and you have to call a plumber, and the plumber is actually Casey Affleck from Manchester by the Sea.
Rob: These movies sucked.
Nate: Yeah, these movies were pretty f*cking bad. Now, keep in mind-- Rob probably saw some of these, but I personally didn't go see some of these really bad movies. I didn't see Nine Lives. I didn't see Independence Day: Resurgence. I didn't see Alice Through the Looking Glass. I didn't see these, because for me, personally, I'd rather spend my money on good movies. And I didn't see Max Steel either. So if a movie's got, like, single digits on Rotten Tomatoes, I'm not going to f*cking go see it.
Rob: Well some of these movies I thought had a chance to be good. There's a couple of them I knew weren't going to be that great. The trailers didn't look good. One of these movies [on my list] is actually certified fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. So some people liked it. I just didn't.
Nate: I think this list for me is more-- these are the movies that I was excited for. Like I was never excited for Independence Day: Resurgence. I was never excited for Nine Lives. So I was never excited, so I never went to go see it. These were movies that I thought had a lot of promise, and that I was excited for. And then I saw them and they were awful. I'll kick it off.
Nate's Honorable Mentions
Nate: I just have three honorable mentions. Central Intelligence. I know that's one that you like.
Nate: Yeah, that's an honorable mention.
Nate: Maybe I was just having a bad day. I don't know. I haven't seen it since, and I don't really want to see it. I just did not find it funny. I thought the humor just did not work for me. I love Dwayne Johnson in everything he does, but just not this. I thought he and Kevin Hart had good chemistry, and I'd like them to do more things [together]. Like, I'm excited for Jumanji because that's both of them. But I just could not get into Central Intelligence. I didn't think it was funny. I thought it was rather stupid. The humor just didn't work for me. The plot was just ridiculous. For an action/comedy, it should be able to do action well and comedy well. And personally, the comedy didn't work and the action didn't work. I didn't like Central Intelligence. My other honorable mention is Morgan. This is just a movie that's forgettable. It's just so bland. It doesn't amount to anything. It tries to throw a twist in there at the end, but it doesn't make a lot of sense. The acting isn't very good. It's either just dull or over-the-top. The action, when it does happen, is just some of the worst shaky-cam I've seen. It does not tell a compelling story. I was bored out of my mind watching this movie.
Rob: Anya Taylor-Joy was good, though.
Nate: Eh. I don't know. I couldn't stand that movie. And my other... dishonorable mention, actually, would be Bad Moms. I think this is the one I like the most out of all of these, because I didn't hate it. I don't think it's a good movie. It had some good jokes in there, but they were just really scattered. The problem for me is that since I skipped a bunch of movies I knew were going to be complete garbage, when I go into my honorable mentions, these are going to be movies that I didn't hate, or that I didn't think were awful, but I didn't like them. So Bad Moms would be my last honorable mention. What are some of your honorable mentions?
Rob's Honorable Mentions
Rob: One of them is Dirty Grandpa. You remember seeing that?
Nate: Yeah. I didn't think it was that bad.
Rob: I guess it was kind of funny. I just thought it was so unrealistic, first of all. The writing was just dick and balls jokes. And if it wasn't Robert De Niro, then I don't think I would've liked it, you know what I mean?
Rob: I thought it was funny hearing that stuff come out of his mouth, but other than that I thought the movie was totally unbelievable. So that's that. Number two, you didn't see this one, is Ben-Hur.
Nate: Ooh. Yeah, I'm glad I missed that one.
Rob: The beginning half of this movie was actually... it kept me awake.
Nate: [Laughing] That shouldn't be your basis for a movie, whether it keeps you awake or not!
Rob: Anyways, it became, like Dirty Grandpa, totally not believable. The CGI was getting worse and worse. Morgan Freeman's character looked like a f*cking old Bob Marley. I fell asleep.
Nate: You fell asleep?
Rob: For at least twenty minutes. I woke up for the chariot scene, and that was absolutely sh*t. And then I left.
Nate: Okay, good. One sh*ter out of the way. What's your other honorable mention?
Rob: Another one you didn't see-- Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk.
Nate: I didn't hear good things about that.
Rob: Yeah, it was too-- Ang Lee, I think, it wasn't the right movie to play around with the film style. Like, there weren't that many action scenes. It was more of a character piece. The script, I thought, was really bad. The dialogue was kinda bad. I liked Steve Martin was good in the role he had. But the kid who plays Billy Lynne (Joe Alwyn), this was his first movie. I didn't think he was that great. I don't think he's good enough to carry a movie. Another performance I liked... Kristen Stewart... she's starting to get better and better. She was pretty good in it too.
Nate: So that movie was more Hulk than it was Life of Pi, right?
Rob: Yeah. Oh, and Vin Diesel sucked in that movie too.
Nate: Yeah? Ugh.
Rob: It seems, with Ang Lee, that he makes a good movie then he makes a bad movie.
Nate: Well I knew the whole point of this movie was to try out a new film rate. It was like over a hundred frames per second, or something like that.
Rob: It wasn't necessary!
Nate: Yeah, it doesn't seem like that would be the right kind of movie for that.
Rob: It was jarring, honestly.
Nate: Okay, so how this is going to work is that I'll do my five through two, then you'll do your five through two, and then we'll both say our number one.
Nate: My number five is a movie that I think you liked, actually. The Light Between Oceans.
Nate: Yeah, this movie... I didn't not like it as much when I first saw it. Like, I thought it was pretty decent. But the more I thought about it-- Michael Fassbender just mailed it in. At first, I didn't think that was possible. When I first saw it, I thought "That's not possible [that he would mail it in]! It's Michael Fassbender. He's such a great actor!" And then, of course, another movie that's on my list I saw him in, and he proved me wrong again. He completely mailed it in. The whole point of the movie was to-- you're trying to get on the side of Alicia Vikander. She has this kid [that she found], and you're supposed to root for her. But the whole movie I was thinking "No, she's in the wrong! She should give this kid up." So the movie didn't do a good job of putting me on the characters' sides. I didn't think Michael Fassbender was good at all. The story was kind of messy. Alicia Vikander was okay. She wasn't especially great. The only good thing about it that I thought was worthwhile was the cinematography. I thought it had some beautiful shots. That was excellent. Other than that, I just did not think this was a good movie at all.
Rob: I'd probably never watch it again, but I thought it was a good enough story to keep me...
Nate: Keep you awake?
Rob: Yeah [Laughs]
Nate: I think I was dozing off a couple times throughout this movie. My number four is Office Christmas Party.
Rob: Oh, I forgot about that!
Nate: I was debating about it. I knew I was going to have one comedy in [my list], so I was like "Do I put in Office Christmas Party or do I have Central Intelligence in there?" I think Office Christmas Party was worse. It just wasn't funny at all. I think I laughed, like, three times.
Rob: I probably would've put that in my top five; I just forgot all about it.
Nate: Yeah, it just was not a good movie. I didn't think the performances were good. I didn't think the story was good. I didn't think any of the comedy was really that good. It didn't do anything! And the fact that it just came out last month and you already forgot about it shows how bad of a movie it was.
Rob: Yeah, I just completely forgot about it! [Laughs]
Nate: Yeah. My number three is Suicide Squad.
Nate: You like this movie, but it's just such a f*cking mess. It's such a f*cking mess. Oh my God. By the end of it, I actually had a headache. The editing-- I actually found on YouTube that I watched, it was a forty minute video that dissected how f*cking awful the editing is in Suicide Squad. And there were things that I didn't even realize, just how lazy the editing is. Just how awfully the movie is stitched together. The people who like this movie say, and you're in this group too, they say "Well the first forty minutes are really good." I can't even stand that. I just felt like one long music video. Before you even get the title of the film, there are already three songs that have been played. It just plays like a giant music video, with songs that don't actually mean anything for the story. They're just pop songs that are in there. Like, there's nothing about them that actually have anything to do with what's going on. They're just thrown in there. The action is all just shaky-cam, rapid editing. You get connected to Will Smith a little bit. And you get connected to Margot Robbie a little bit. And that's it. Everyone else-- I don't give a sh*t about any of them! It was just such a poorly made film, and such a missed opportunity. It was angering to me with just how bad it was. I know you liked it, but...
Rob: I thought it was fun.
Nate: I didn't have fun with it, that's the thing. I know people did, but I didn't.
Rob: I don't understand how you can like that less than Office Christmas Party.
Nate: Well, the thing is that I care about these characters because I'm a comic book person. I'm a comic book person first and foremost. With Office Christmas Party, I didn't give a sh*t about. It was like "Hey, let's just go watch a movie!". But Suicide Squad was a movie that I had been so looking forward to, that I cared about these characters. I knew who they were and I wanted to see them realized. I liked the casting a lot. I really liked the director [David Ayer]. So the fact that everything was in place for it to be really good, and then it was as bad as it was... you know?
Nate: It was infuriating to me. So, anyways, that's my number three. My number two is... can you guess what this one is?
Rob: ...I don't know.
Nate: The 9th Life of Louis Drax!
Rob: I forgot about that too!! I agree with you, that movie's sh*t.
Nate: Do you remember? We were sitting in the theater, and we were like "Oh, this should be good." And the first five minutes was a montage of the kid-- all the ways that he hurt himself. I think the first shot was the kid falling off the cliff and falling towards the camera and it pauses, and the kid goes "Hi. I'm Louis Drax!" [Laughing] And we both looked at each other, and I think we both said it at the same time. We said "What the f*ck is this?!" I think the only reason we stayed through it was to see how bad it would get. This was just such a terrible movie! I don't know who the f*ck thought of this. And the trailer made it out to look like it could actually be cool.
Rob: Why was it rated R?
Nate: I completely forgot it was rated R! There was nothing in there! It was such a bad movie.
Rob: Aaron Paul, though.
Nate: No, he was good. He was the only good part. He was barely in it, though. That last scene with him and the kid... that was incredible. But that doesn't make up for the fact that the movie is complete f*cking garbage! I was just watching the movie think "What the hell am I watching?"
Rob: I completely agree. It was a bad movie.
Nate: Alright. So what's your list?
Rob: Alright. My number five is a movie that you did not see. I wasn't expecting much out of it, but it just was not good at all. It's Mechanic: Resurrection. See, the first Mechanic is kind of a more serious film, and it's actually pretty good. I own the Blu-Ray and I've watched it a couple times. It's a good movie. The second one basically just xXx's the sh*t out of it. It's so unbelievable. All the CGI is crap. All the actors except for Jason Statham are terrible. You don't believe anything that's going on. The script's a mess. It's not fun. Again, I almost fell asleep. For a dumb action movie, it just couldn't keep my attention. And it's only an hour and twenty minutes! And this one was rated R too, and it still wasn't any good. Number four is a movie we saw together. Hardcore Henry. F*cking hardcore sh*t. Oh my God, I thought my head was going to explode. First of all, there was really no story to this movie at all. And the first person thing they tried to do with this movie-- it hurt my head! And the twist with Sharlto Copley was stupid. And when you find out that the girlfriend was, like, the villain the whole time... it didn't mean anything. The action was good, I guess. But I don't understand how anyone can be entertained by this. It's like watching someone play video games for an hour and a half. Like, great! You're killing all these bodies, but I don't know who any of these people are. Why should I give a f*ck?
Nate: No, I understand that. I think I definitely liked the movie more than you. I thought it was an innovative film, because it was an experimental film. I don't think it quite worked, but I thought the action was pretty well done, in my opinion at least. I agree, all the story stuff and all the characters were just nonsense. I don't think I hated it as much.
Rob: I've seen better experimental stuff in porn!
Rob: Anyways, number three is a movie that has 76% on Rotten Tomatoes. Keanu. When I went into this movie, I thought "Oh, I like Keegan-Michael Key. He should be funny. Jordan Peele is alright. But yeah, I want to see what happens when they chase down the cat." The cat is only in the movie for seven minutes. The movie should've just focused on that cute kitty cat. All you see is just a bunch of idiots stumbling around, acting like they're in a gang. Like, I don't understand how anyone would believe these are gang members. They look like they just came out of Silicon Valley!
Nate: It's a comedy.
Rob: Yeah, but it wasn't funny! They were just acting like idiots. It wasn't funny to me. I don't know.
Nate: It's on HBO now. I might check it out.
Rob: Nothing happened that was believable. None of the supporting characters were really that good.
Nate: Doesn't Keanu Reeves voice the cat?
Rob: That was a good scene.
Nate: I might see it just for that.
Rob: Yeah, that's like one of the few sequences I actually remember. But other than that, I had a hard time staying awake in that. And the last one is a movie I saw last Super Bowl Sunday.
Nate: I think I know this is.
Rob: Pride and Prejudice and barely any Zombies.
Nate: [Laughs] This is your number two?
Rob: Yeah. It was my number one, but then I saw something later that was absolute garbage! Anyway, it seemed cool. Oh, you have the story of Pride and Prejudice, but with zombies in it. There were barely any zombies in it! I don't give a f*ck about Pride and Prejudice!
Nate: The whole reason you're making Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is for the zombies. If you wanted Pride and Prejudice, then make Pride and Prejudice.
Rob: Exactly! All the characters-- I didn't care about anybody. The direction, I thought, was fine. The script was stupid. The movie just made no sense. If this movie was like 65% zombies, and the rest was Pride and Prejudice, then maybe it would've been a fun movie. But really it was like 70% Pride and Prejudice and 30% zombies.
Nate: Now that I think about, I'd probably add it to my honorable mentions.
Rob: It was just poorly executed. It didn't do what it was supposed to do.
Nate: Alright. Moving onto the number ones.
Nate: My number one is-- oooh. I think it's the worst movie I've seen in theaters. Assassin's Creed. F*ck this movie. This is just a big piece of f*cking sh*t. A pile of throw-up. I don't even know how this got made. When I was talking about The Light Between Oceans, I thought it was so unlike Michael Fassbender to mail in a performance. And then I f*cking saw this piece of sh*t, and then I was like "Oh, wait, nope. Michael Fassbender can mail it in." [Laughs]. He was bad. Marion Cotillard was bad. Jeremy Irons was bad. The script was awful. The editing was terrible. The special effects were awful. The action wasn't even well choreographed. The writing and directing, I already said, were awful. It just makes no sense. It's just a piece of sh*t. I hated the movie so much. I walked out an hour into it. I think it was an hour in when I walked out. I couldn't stand watching it anymore. Did you end up seeing it?
Rob: No, I never got a chance to.
Nate: It's so bad. It's bad. I can't stand that movie. I don't want to think about it anymore; it just makes me angry. Cause it could've been cool. It could've been really cool. But it just-- ugh. What's your number one.
Rob: This is a movie I almost walked out of. I was honestly in a trance. I could've move. I couldn't get up. And that movie is--- it was supposed to come out one or two years ago, but it got pushed.
Nate: Oh, I think I know what you're talking about.
Rob: Masterminds. It didn't know whether it wanted to be funny, serious, or a parody. I don't know what the f*ck this was supposed to be! It's just Zach Galifianakis running around acting like an idiot the whole time, honestly. He was one of the dumbest characters I've ever seen in a movie. He would believe any f*cking sh*t you tell him! You tell him the sun's f*cking purple and he'd believe you. There's this... I'll spoil the scene, I don't give a f*ck. There's this scene where he's at this beach, in like this resort. He goes to the bottom of the ocean, and he looks down, and sees this eel about to sting him. I'm not kidding you, the eel, the CGI for the eel, literally looked like it came out of a Nintendo 64 video game!
Rob: I just put my hand over my face. There's another scene where he's sitting in a pool and he sh*ts his pants, and f*cking diarrhea just shoots out of the pool. It was f*cking nasty! It was gross! Oh my God.
Nate: I almost went and saw that, but then you told me how bad it was and I was like "Okay, I'm not spending money on it."
Rob: It was just a complete waste of time, honestly. I should've left. I don't know why I didn't.
Nate: Well, that concludes our Top Five Worst Movies of 2016. I'd like to thank our special guest writer, Rob.
Rob: No problem.
Nate: My name is Nate, and that concludes our Wrapping Up 2016 editorial series. Thanks for reading.
What do you think? Do you agree with our worst movies of 2016? What were some of your least favorite films of the year? Leave your thoughts in the comments section below.
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